My Little Black Dress

This post is probably not going to be what you think. I bought this dress circa 2006-2007. I knew at the time it probably wouldn’t fit me but I loved it and had to have it from the Forever 21 website. When it came I tried it on and low and behold it did not fit. Even though I had prepared myself for it not to fit, I still was disappointed. The sad thing was I was not disappointed that it didn’t fit me but that I didn’t fit in the dress. That is a tiny distinction but it exposed a HUGE insecurity.

Instead of returning the dress and getting my money back I decided to keep it and use it as a motivational tool to lose weight. It hung in my closet for the remainder of my college days. This dress has moved with me back to my dad’s house, out of my dad’s house, in with my cousin, back to my dad’s house again, into the rental house I shared with Jake, and it now resides in my closet in the house we bought two years ago. It still has the tag on it and it still doesn’t fit…great motivational tool huh? In fact, instead of a motivational tool, it has become a reminder of my failure to lose  the weight which is the exact opposite outcome I was hoping.

The truth is I have been stuck in that someday rut. Someday I will get in shape. Someday I will not be fat. Someday I will make better food choices. Someday I will love myself enough to lose the weight. Someday I will not feel ugly when I look at myself in the mirror. Someday I will make a lifestyle change that will make my fat ass fit into this dress. It sounds silly but I hoped that the dress would make me want to lose weight…and it never has. It is literally occupying space in my closet and my mind. A tiny black dress but a HUGE reminder of how much I have failed myself.

I’ve told myself many times that it is time to let it go but for some reason I have never been able to. Can I prove to my inner demons that they are wrong and that I can love myself enough to squeeze into this dress? The answer to that is yes. Yes I can prove my inner demons wrong but I don’t need that dress to do it and validate the hard work I am putting in for myself.

Working on my personal development is just as important to me this year as working on healthy eating habits and my fitness goals. I am never going to be comfortable at any size if I don’t start to work on how I feel about myself on the inside as well as the outside. I want to look in the mirror and not just see the extra weight I have put on over the years. I want to look in the mirror and see a strong, healthy, and confident woman. A woman who knows I am more than that number on the scale or the measuring tape. A woman who knows that she is worth more that what she has settled for in the past. It’s not been easy and I still have a long way to go to get there but for the first time in my life I am actively trying to like myself the way I am right now and take it one day at a time. I am putting in the work and I have not regretted one minute I have spent working on my mental and physical health.

We, women and men, need to get out of our heads. Do a spring cleaning of sorts and get rid of all that garbage and negativity that is weighing us down. Set goals and don’t be afraid to put in the work. It’s going to be hard but surround yourself with positive people who love and support you and you can go the distance. There is a great quote I read that says “Don’t stumble over something behind you.” I love this. It’s such a simple phrase but makes so much sense. You can’t keep dwelling on the things you have or have not done because you will never be able to move forward to work towards change and understanding. Let go of the baggage and free your mind and don’t forget to fall in love with yourself in the process. You are more than some silly dress that doesn’t fit you anymore or has never fit you. You are more than the excuses. I believe in you and I believe in myself.

This is a year of personal growth and this is also the year that my little black dress is going to be given to charity. It’s not going to be that monster in the closet screaming at me that I’m not good enough. I am going to lay those feelings of insecurity, self doubt, and self hatred to rest once and for all. And you know what? I am never going to look back and it’s the best feeling.

“There are far far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” -C.S. Lewis