It’s All About The Journey

The first time I ever entertained the idea that I needed to lose weight was around the age of TWELVE or THIRTEEN. The first time I ever recall feeling “fat” was when I was FOURTEEN and in 9th grade. The first time I decided to go on a diet was the summer before I started high school. I have struggled with my weight and fitness motivation ever since.

I was pretty active from a young age. I played soccer for several years, softball, basketball, some gymnastics but once I got into junior high, books and art became more appealing than chasing a soccer ball up and down a field. When I got to high school and discovered a hidden passion for theatre, which lead to my pursuit of a bachelor’s degree in the subject, the desire to workout in any capacity became pretty nonexistent. Every summer though I would vow to lose the weight and devise some crazy plan as to how I was going to do it.

As you can imagine, at such a young age I had no idea about what real nutrition was and I had not found a passion for exercising and eventually the summer would end and I was unsuccessful every time. Naturally the failure to come back a skinnier version of myself on the first day of school every year began to manifest itself into feelings of inadequacy and disappointment that very quickly lead to low self esteem and poor body image. I hated myself for getting “fat” and didn’t know why I couldn’t make myself get skinny. I was horrible to myself. I swear to you I remember the first time I ever had bad thoughts about myself and my appearance. And let me tell you, I have not been kind to myself over the years.

High school came and went and the weight still had not come off. College was a whole different ball game. Being on my own for the first time was scary for about a week and then you really begin to like the feeling of being in charge of your own life. I had made tons a new friends, I began drinking alcohol and going to parties, I was focusing on my studies and working. Life was great but I did gain weight and I can’t be certain of how much because I avoided the scale until the end of my sophomore year.

I decided I needed to turn things around in my health and fitness when I finally saw that number on the scale. I started going to gym with some friends, taking 1 credit gym classes, and continued to walk wherever I needed to go on days when I had class to get my body moving for the first time in a long while. I was terrible to begin with, I was so out of shape and would get out of breath swimming from one side of the pool to another. I moved back in with my roommate from freshman year and a friend of ours and started grocery shopping for healthy foods and eating a lot better than I had the previous two years. It still wasn’t the best but it was an improvement for sure.

By the summer before my senior year I was in the best shape I had been in ever. I felt good. While I still hadn’t gotten down to my goal weight I felt confident for the first time in my whole life. I was finally in control of the negative thoughts that had plagued me since I was in junior high. I went to Europe that summer and had the best time and didn’t worry about my weight or what I was eating at all. I felt so good I wanted to keep going and I did all the way through my last and best year of college.

When graduation rolled around I was set to go out and make something of myself. I moved home and was working my usual summer job. I started running with a co-worker and tried to look for jobs on my off hours. I ran a few 5k’s that summer which helped with my motivation but when the summer ended and I hadn’t found the new job, those negative feelings of inadequacy and self doubt and to be honest self hatred started to reappear again. I stopped working out on a regular basis and eating food that was good for me was the furthest thing on my mind. I was drinking in excess every weekend to forget about my problems and how bad I thought I was failing at life.  

I eventually got a new job, but it still didn’t give me what I needed to fill the void that I felt had taken over my whole body. I was in a downward self shaming spiral and at times I felt so hopeless and was unable to find any motivation to make positive changes.

Fast forward to December of last year. I believe I had hit absolute rock bottom where my health and fitness goals were concerned. I would work out in spurts and lets not even go into what I was putting into my body for nourishment. My mind set was not good and my outlook was sub par to say the least. It was the worst I have ever felt about myself in all my 29 years.

To be fair, I have a lot to be grateful for and I know that there are others out there who have it way worse than I do. I finally got to a point where I was desperate for change and it was time to do something about it. This time though, I wasn’t going to just focus on working out and eating right, I was going to focus on my mental health and personal development. Yes, I have struggled with my weight in the past but I realize now that my biggest battle has always been against my negative thoughts and poor body image and up until this point I have let my inner demons get the best of me.

Nowadays I try keep my body moving 4-5 days a week for between 30 minutes to an hour. My nutrition is still a work in progress and I have a long way to go but I am getting there with ideas of meal planning and prep. And I have started taking time to focus on my personal development and personal goals. I take the time to set my intentions for each week and am reading all I can about mental health and feeling good about who you are. I am also taking the time to be grateful for all the great things in my life and am thankful everyday for the people in my life who support and have loved me through this entire journey.

I am still a work in progress but I am actually starting to feel a gain in momentum with some of the goals I set for myself this year. I’m not out of the dark yet but my future is definitely looking bright.